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01. How Your Need to Control Really Controls You Self-Reflection

As a human with a brain that is capable of remembering the past to analyze the present to predict the future you are empowered with an innate ability to control your life. It is through this gift of consciousness that you have free will to make your own choices.

On one end of the spectrum, you may be someone who isn’t really a planner or naturally organized. You tend to go with the flow and exist in a perpetual state of spontaneity not really thinking through your decisions. On the opposite side, is the individual who is super-organized, structured and always has a plan in place. Where do you see yourself primarily existing on this continuum?

 

In an ideal flow, you would be able to fluidly shift between these two states of being depending on your circumstances. The balanced marriage of your intuition and logic ultimately best serves you along your life journey and manifestation of your purpose.

 

However, what happens when you get locked into one mode to the detriment of the other? Let’s consider what's really going on when you are in a state of over-control. Here are some examples:

  • Trying to predict all possible scenarios (while spending a lot of time and energy doing so) of a potential decision and yet can’t seem to actually ever make one? AKA “paralysis by analysis”
  • Once a choice or action is taken, you need to know every detail related to it and potential consequences. 
  • Micromanaging your:
    • Job/employees
    • Family, children, and or significant other
    • Friendships
    • Weight
    • Appearance
    • Home and environment
    • Health
    • Exercise Regimen

Most of the time we are quite unaware of the degree to which we try to control the people and circumstances in our lives. If we truly knew, we likely wouldn’t be doing it in the first place as it ultimately handicaps us. Our underlying fears are what directs our control reigns.  

When you are really able to witness your control patterns from a place of non-judgment, you can gain critical insight about your inherent fears and insecurities as this is what ultimately drives your need to control.

 

The primary reason we control is to protect ourselves. You control to feel safe and secure not only for your physical existence and survival (such as controlling your food, water and sleep) but for your ego (your self-identity, esteem and sense of worthiness).

You control to avoid the pain of realizing that you really might not actually have it all together, have flaws and don’t know how to accept that. Over-control is a compensation of not trusting or believing that everything is as it should be and that it is ok to make mistakes. However, try getting your ego to fully buy into this notion!

 

When you are spending all your energy and focus on trying to control your life it not only drains your life force but you also miss out on allowing potential blessings from flowing into your life. You block your intuition and essentially the other half of your innate human powers.

 

Reflect on the control self-reflection prompts below for ~5-25 minutes, at least 1-2x/day for 1-2 weeks. *Unless otherwise directed.

  • You don’t have to do or change anything, this practice is focused on bringing your awareness to your own patterns of control.
  • Perform this self-reflection again in about 6-8 weeks to assess your progress and to gather any new information to continue to support you and your greatest good.
  • Optionally, use your testing technique to determine your optimal frequency and duration to use this reflection.

 

Control Self-Reflection Exercise:

Try to witness your own patterns of control from a place of non-judgement. Simply notice and be aware of circumstances, situations and/or people that you try to control or micromanage. 

  • What people, situations or aspects do you try to control in your life? 
    • What do you fear will happen if you don't control? 
    • Of these, consider how much control you really do have.
  • What actions or behaviors do you choose based on your need to control?
  • In what ways can you let go of any patterns of trying to over-control people or aspects of your life?

 

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